Pepperoni Pizza And The Nipple

Regardless of how contrived this story sounds…it’s true and took place 1978 or 1979. In order to “protect” the identities of those involved in this story, I will give them aliases.

People in this story:
My friend (and roommate at the time) referred to as “Buddy”.
My friends girlfriend: referred to as “girlfriend”
My date: referred to as “my date”.

Let me start off by setting the scene… At the age of 23 years, I was recently divorced and had dated several young ladies and was getting burned out with the dating scene. My roommate, Buddy had suggested that he, his girlfriend and a girl I had once dated go mudding out in the country. I really didn’t want to go…especially with someone I had previously dated (OK, for the record, I always liked this person as a friend…and still do). But they kept badgering me to go with them so I finally agreed to go. We headed out to some muddy fields and the mudding began. Buddy’s girlfriend had a full bottle of Southern Comfort and the three of them started to turn it up and take shots. I didn’t drink any booze at all that day.

It was funny to see them just turn the bottle up and take swig, but “my date” would turn the bottle up and I’d see BUBBLING in the bottle…she was putting that stuff away at an alarming rate. I probably need to add here that she was only 20 years old (underage) for alcohol consumption. Over the next hour or so, they continued to drain the bottle of SC while we drove around in the country and mudded every chance we got.

Finally Buddy said, “Hey, I’m getting hungry. Let’s go to Pizza Hut and eat.”. We all agreed and headed into town to the Pizza Hut. Once we got there, Buddy and his girlfriend got out of the truck and headed into the Pizza Hut. I opened my door and my date just kinda keeled over and started sliding out of the truck…I had to grab her. I picked her up and about that time a police car pulls into the parking lot. I panicked…I mean she was DRUNK…real DRUNK. I stood her up against the truck and pretended we were talking as the cops got out of their car. They went inside and about that time, Buddy came out to see why we hadn’t followed them into the Pizza Hut. I told him, “she’s drunk and can barely walk”. So he went back in and got his girlfriend and we all took her into the Pizza Hut and helping her walk to the bathroom. Me and Buddy went to our booth and I could see the cops looking over at us…but they were eating so I figured they weren’t too worried about us. They eventually finished their meal and left.

Buddy’s girlfriend and my date had been in the bathroom for quite awhile. We went to check on them and my date had fell in the bathroom and hit her head on the sink (black eye). We decided then, it would be better to just go and eat our pizza at home. So we basically carried my girlfriend out to the truck and proceeded to my house.

We had only driven about a mile and Buddy says, “Hey, we got blue lights. You guys stay in here and I’ll take care of this”. I really got scared. Here we are stopped, I’m the only one sober and my date is underage and DRUNK. I looked into the side mirror and I see Buddy spread eagle against the cop car and told my girlfriend, “You better sober up as fast as you can, the police have stopped us”. I reached under the lid to the pizza and handed her a piece of it to get something in her stomach in an effort get her sober quicker. I kept telling her to sober up over and over again.

The next thing I know, the cops come over to my side, open the door and then I hear the cop say…THEY’RE ALL DRUNK!! That pissed me off and I told him I wasn’t drunk and I hadn’t drank anything all day long. He proceeded to pull me out of the truck, frisk me and then put me in the back of the cop car with Buddy. One of the cops drove Buddy’s car up to the police station, and we followed behind them.

Once in the police station, me and the two ladies were placed into a holding area while they gave Buddy his breathalyzer test. When it was completed, they let us know that Buddy had a blood alcohol of .12, and at that time the legal limit was .10. In other words, Buddy was DUI. But the Captain that night (Captain Johnson) decided to cut us a break and loaded us up in his police car and took us all back to my house. As we pulled into the driveway, he gave STRICT orders for us to go into the house and NOT come back out till tomorrow when we were all sober (yes, I was already sober). So we got out of his car, went into the house and Captain Johnson left the house.

Immediately, Buddy and his girlfriend got in his little sports car and drove back to his girlfriends apartment. That left me with the other girl, the girl I had dated before and she was passed out on the couch. Actually she lived with her parents just down the street from me, but there she was crashed out on my couch.

I was scheduled to be at work at 4am the next morning and so it’s 10 o’clock at night and I’m trying to wake her up. Finally, I had the bright idea to “walk” her down to her house. So I tried to stand her up, but lifting dead weight wasn’t easy. I finally got her stood up and then she just melted in a free-fall through my arms…she had a TUBE TOP on and it rolled up around her neck. There she was laying on my floor and as I looked down at her, something caught my eye around her belly button….OH MY GOD…I pulled her damn NIPPLE OFF when she fell. As I looked a little closer, it realized it was actually a piece of pepperoni from the pizza we had gotten earlier. WHEW!!

I finally gave up on trying to walk her down to her house and just left her on the couch. I figured I would just go to my bedroom and get some sleep, but every time I would get settled…I’d hear her yell out, “WALLY, WALLY…come here. I’m so sorry Wally”. It was a long night for us both I guess. I ended up getting just an hour or two of sleep, but I did make it to work by 4am. As I left for work,  she was still on the couch sound asleep when.

A few days later she came to me and apologized for getting drunk and being a pain in the ass… I really wasn’t even mad at her, it was just that I had to go to work so early the next day. She was definitely embarrassed (I have had plenty of things to be embarrassed about myself…so I knew how she felt). She had a black-eye from falling in the Pizza Hut…and I felt bad about that even though it happened out of my presence.\

We are STILL friends…lifelong friends, and I think the world of her, we just weren’t meant to be more than friends. And I’m glad that the only injury of the night was a black-eye because it’s a lot easier to explain, than a “detached” nipple.

If she reads this…I’m sure she’ll recognize the event…and she should LAUGH about it now. It was a memory. Not a bad memory, just a memory.

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